Giving Developmental Feedback Without Drawing Blood
Feedback is the cornerstone of personal and professional growth. It’s how the world sees us. It enhances self-awareness, strengthens relationships, and keeps individuals and teams on the path to success. Yet, the process, especially when the feedback is developmental, can be fraught with anxiety for both the giver and the receiver. The key is to deliver the message in a way that it can be heard and acted upon. The art is doing so without drawing blood, losing clients, and damaging relationships.
We All Have a Feedback Style, What’s Yours?
Before you can effectively deliver feedback, it’s helpful to understand your own tendencies. A self-assessment can reveal your preferences, which generally fall into three approaches:
Direct: This style is straightforward and tells the truth, your truth. It’s assertive, so be careful. It's best used when the issue is urgent or has a significant impact on the business. An example would be, "You didn't follow up".
Non-Direct: This approach is more observational and invites dialogue. It’s a safer starting point that can become more direct if needed. For instance, you might say, "I noticed you seem to be struggling, help me understand what’s getting in your way".
Avoid: In some situations, especially when emotions are running high, it may be best to avoid giving feedback, temporarily. However, this should be used sparingly, as avoiding feedback can lead to unresolved and festering issues.
So, which approach is best?
… It depends!
It depends on the situation's urgency and the relationship's security between the two people.
Crafting Your Message: Five Keys to Success
Once you’ve considered your style and the context, craft your feedback in a caring way. Here are five criteria for delivering developmental feedback effectively:
Use language that elicits insight. Instead of accusatory questions like, "Why can't you ever follow up?", which is a direct statement in disguise, try an open-ended approach to understand the other person’s story and perspective.
Be clear, succinct, and impactful. Get to the point without unnecessary fluff, which can dilute the message. Avoid being painfully honest.
Minimize defensiveness. When people feel attacked, they become less receptive. Focus on fact-based information and observable behaviors rather than personal traits.
Allow for face-saving. No one likes being backed into a corner. The goal is to correct the behavior, not to erode the person's confidence. It’s not a zero-sum game.
Share accountability where appropriate. If you played a role in the situation, be accountable and acknowledge it. Sharing responsibility builds trust and encourages a more collaborative problem-solving approach.
Overcoming the Barriers: Show You Care
Many shy away from giving feedback for various reasons: fear of making things worse, a lack of confidence or the competence to choose the right language, or simply not having enough time.
It’s important to remember that giving feedback, even when it’s difficult, is a high form of caring for others. It shows that you are interested and invested in the other person's success.
A Practical Checklist for Feedback Conversations
To ensure your feedback sessions are productive, prepare by using a checklist:
Clearly define the purpose of the session.
Ask open-ended and follow-up questions to get the full story.
Listen more than you talk.
Solicit solutions from the coachee.
Mutually develop clear next steps and action items.
If you are having an in-your-face kind of day, don’t coach!
By being mindful of your approach and focusing on a constructive and caring delivery, you can provide feedback that is both heard and valued. Doing so, fosters growth and strengthens your relationships without ever needing to “draw blood”.